3am Thoughts
The 3am thoughts are always the scariest
because they are the realest most brutal truths you could ever face
I find myself sitting here
Not even at 3am but with the same brutality that time of night carries
It is 10:30pm and I am mourning
The death of the things I used to be and the things I thought I could be
The violinist my puberty mind envisioned
The film maker my teenage years wished for
The artist older me wanted to be
It is 10:30pm on a seemingly ordinary Tuesday and I am none of those things
Just another person struggling
like the 8 billion (ish) people also struggling
too exhausted for reflection.
Several of my passions have been washed away by every day life
I can paint in my head. I can dance in my head. I can play the piano in my head
But I am clinically delusional, so I don't trust it
and I am too low on chances to try
Every day I spend in reality increases the depths of the truths i have to face
This is why I sleep. But even that isn't comforting anymore.